I have the same thoughts each December.
I evaluate my year in methodic detail, as a sense of cleansing therapy. I think about each moment in the year. Each accomplishment, each failure, each mediocre thing that’s happened in the last twelve months and I dwell to the point of antagonisation.
What a crazy and bizarre thing to do, why torture yourself Billie? Every year, any normal person would learn from this inefficacious technique after maybe 2 years? Like okay, no this is way too self reflective in the most negative way; However, I continue to torment myself. Why you may ask? Because it works, it works for me, it might only work me, but I truly believe I gain something at the end of each year.
I spend time self reflecting heavily throughout the year too; yeah, i know, you’d think that I’d wait and do it all at the end right?! Nope. Not me. I spend my whole year over analysing conversations, situations, and perception overall and inflict all of this torment upon myself at the time of the event as well as throughout the year, and yep, again at the end of the year. Oh December, you’re full of so much wonder. Perhaps i’m just insane, or maybe it’s the anxiety that makes me so aware of my achievements and failures. But whatever it is, it’s me. It’s just how I do.
So, context, at the beginning of each year, I write myself a list of goals I want to achieve. Anyone who knows me personally, knows I’m a particularly driven person. I set myself a goal, and 9 times out of 10 I achieve them. I won’t just talk about it, because the fulfilment of ticking that box from my list once i’ve worked so hard to achieve a goal is probably one of the most rewarding things life has to offer, in my opinion. It may be that I need some more hobbies. Perhaps, i’ll consider that for my 2020 list…
I started 2019 thinking this is the year Bill. I was going to pass my driving test, it was on my list last year but it wasn’t a must. This year it was. I was going to pass my theory (step 1) then my practical (step 2), and then buy a car (step 3). So I started the year, motivated as fuck, taking lessons, dreading each one, but still doing it. By March 2019, i’d failed my theory test twice and was like what the fuck is going on. Clearly, it wasn’t going to plan.
But I persisted, because that’s who I am. Come July 2019, i’d achieved other goals on my list, they included decorating, and seeing somewhere new, and being happy. But I was still no-where closer to step 1 of my main goal, nevermind, step 3!
Unfortunately, in July I got really ill and my health began to suffer, i’d not been quite myself for months, but I initially put it down to stress. However, after a 60 minute MRI scan and a two week wait, I was diagnosed with a benign brain tumour, that completely jolted my very existence (not to sound dramatic, it is benign afterall.) So my main focus shifted, my health was my priority. I needed to get better. The medication I was taking was making me very sick (literally), I was incredibly confused and forgetful, I was achey, I had no motivation, I was absolutely exhausted and I couldn’t really function as a normal human being, I was running on about 13% most days. My migraines had increased in severity and I was off work for 2 months while my body adapted to my medication (that I will be taking for the next 5 years – woo *eye roll*). Mentally, I needed to get to grips with what the doctors had told me, and although I knew I wasn’t in any immediate danger, it felt very scary and was a lot to come to terms with.
So I stopped my lessons; I couldn’t even get out of bed or remember when I last ate never mind learn how to drive. Fast forward to now, and I am much better. If i’m honest, most days i’m probably running on about 70% and in lesser circumstances, 45%-60%. But I manage, and I still work full time, and see my friends, and have hobbies (granted, I probably need some new ones) but i’m coping. My memory is still foggy most days, and I get myself lost and confused at times. Sometimes my brain works to quickly for my mouth and I say the wrong thing, sometimes I can’t even say what I want to say, but I know what I mean, and I get there in the end. Just like I know I will with my driving, because 2020 is the year for certain!
So the point of this. I think we all feel pressure from time to time, to be in places we may not be, and to do things that others are doing. But everyone is different, and everyone’s journey is different, so if i’ve learnt anything this year, it is to go at life at your own pace. Life unapologetically chucks shit your way and leaves you to deal with it, and as long as you’re doing your best, surly that’s all that matters? So just do your own thing, make your own happiness, and don’t allow social pressures to determine where you are meant to be.
You do you boo, and keep doing you.
Lots of Love, Lily. xo