real talk.

I’ve not written anything in a few weeks, and I hate it when this happens. Usually I have so many thoughts that inspire a good piece of writing, but recently, I’ve had thoughts and I’ve not been able to fuel them into anything I felt was worthy of publishing. I write because I want people to relate to my words, to be able to put themselves in the position I’m in and to be able to take something from what I’ve wrote.

I seek validation, just like most people do – likes and followers. Admittedly, mines mainly in likes on Instagram or blog posts.

Validation is something that I think everyone yearns for in some way shape or form; perhaps it is a generation thing; growing up with MySpace where everything was based on your profile picture and how many ‘friends’ you had, in some way, that’s bound to follow you through life right?

And it has, in Tinder, in Facebook, in Instagram. We all seem to strive for this ‘picture perfect’ life that exists only on these social media platforms. We pretend that everything is going incredibly well, and that our lives are full of new houses we’ve just bought, and new babies, and dream jobs. But we never discuss the challenges that we had to face to get there. We don’t discuss the battles we fought to allow us to have these fairy tale lives. And maybe we should.

I worry about being too real or sharing too much, because maybe we don’t share the bad stuff because who wants to hear it right? I’m all about celebrating people’s success, but when someone comes out with how they live with a brain tumour, we’re all like shit. What the fuck do I say?

And I get it, I know it’s hard, what do you say? Well, let me tell you.

Say that you’re happy it’s benign and you’re glad they’re not dying. Express admiration in the fact that they’re still doing everything they can to get up and go to work every day. Thank them for still having their humour. Tell them they smell nice or you love their outfit, whatever it is. Just be real.

I don’t know how long I’ve had a brain tumour – and that’s painful on its own. But I found out in July 2019. I took nearly 3 months off work to deal with my medication, the side effects from the medication and to process the emotional impact it had on me. I returned to work and after 4 weeks, I was back to normal.

Every Saturday at 12pm I take my medication. I take it on a Saturday because it makes me feel pretty groggy and sometimes, I have to stay in bed all day. I run on 60% most of the time, and I’m exhausted constantly. My days are full of confusion, lack of concentration, and forgetfulness. About three times a week, sometimes more, I have the most tormenting migraines which literally make my head pulsate. I occasionally have to stay off work with these migraines because they often make me violently sick too. With all this being said, and with all the struggles I face, I work ridiculously hard every day, and I show compassion and strength with everything I do.

I am kind to every person I meet or come in to contact with and will always try my best to make someone’s day. Because you don’t ever know what someone else is going through, nobody knows the battles we fight behind closed doors.  

I don’t really think about what other people think about me, mainly because I couldn’t give a shit and I’m pretty happy with the person I am. But I often wonder about the perception, and if people have preconceived ideas of the person I am. I guess that’s why as human’s we love to put this preconceived idea of our lives out there. We want people to think that we’re doing okay, even when we’re not. We want people to admire our houses and jobs, even if we don’t?

But today I’ve made a pact with myself, and with you… You’ll get the good and the bad. The happy and the depressed. The pretty and the ugly. The success and the shit.

So enjoy it, ‘cause I’m probably one of the most real people on the internet today.

Lots of love,

Lily xo.

3 thoughts on “real talk.

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