Pondering through a Pandemic.

My appetite is very poor and I struggle to eat regularly due to this. I’m not great at cooking either, i’ve never been taught properly and I don’t enjoy it so I get by eating snacks and small meals. I do have a couple of main ‘staple’ dishes that allow me to not live off cheese sandwiches and beans on toast. I’ll admit these are mainly pasta based but whatevers. Luckily, I live with a chef, so ya gals still eating. I do have a few meals that I enjoy – you can probably guess if you know me personally and yes – beans on toast makes the top 5 still!

  • Cheese & Tomato Pizza
  • Quorn Chicken Enchiladas
  • Quorn Spaghetti Bolognese
  • Beans on Toast
  • Burgers (veggie of course!)

I literally could eat anything of a kids menu, love me some nugs! Oddly, I have to fancy something before I can actually eat it. I’m not one of those people that can just eat whatever, and I have to be hungry to eat. I won’t just eat for no reason. This is obviously a struggle at times due to not always fancying food, so i’ll go without or drive myself past the point of hunger and feel sick and not want to eat anything at all. I’m also a smoker which is known to suppress an appetite. While being in lockdown, it hasn’t been easy to eat and maintain a regular pattern of food. I love pan au chocolates and even though they’re not slimming world friendly, they’re brought on a regular because I just can’t get enough. So i’ll have one with a coffee in the morning, usually around 9.30am, then at lunch between 12.30pm and 1.30pm, Drew will make us some eggs, beans, toast and veggie sausages, which isn’t too bad considering! Then for dinner we’ll have a pasta bake or something, however, we have been ordering food occasionally so again, not very slimming world! I’ve not really been snacking much through the day so I have been getting more hungry and i’ve not been drinking as much water either – bad Bill.

When I’m at work, I’m very structured with my eating and stick to my slimming world diet; I work half 8 – half 4 and most days i’m in and out of meetings due to my role so sometimes I do have to skip meals but try to make sure I always have healthy snacks or fruit with me to tide me over. I drink plenty of water throughout my day too. On a good day my meal structure should go like this:

  • 8.30am, coffee with a dash of milk (no sugar)
  • 10.00am, a banana and an alpen bar
  • 12.30pm, Pasta with homemade sauce or Cheese Salad with a muller light yoghurt and another piece of fruit or a healthy snack (babybel low calorie crisps)
  • 3.00pm, Coffee and an alpen bar
  • 6.00pm dinner (slimming world meal)

My sleeping hasn’t been great either; I’d say I probably sleep too much. Most days after working from home, i’ll take a nap because i’m just so tired. I do love to nap though, and would gladly spend all weekend in bed. Sometimes that is exactly what my body needs, and so that is exactly what i do. In my defense, work these past 5-6 weeks has been quite stressful at times, due to the amount of queries and over all uncertainty we’ve had during this pandemic. It’s difficult to try and decipher the meaning of the government guidelines when they’re not all that clear. With that being said, I often feel tired in general anyway, so a nap after work does alleviate some of that exhaustion. I like to be quite routined with my sleeping pattern and on a work night, i’m usually in bed by ten and can drift off quite easily. Recently, I am finding i’m staying up a little later and i’m not always able to settle to sleep straight away. Most nights, I use the ‘Calm’ app and find the meditation sessions or even the lullaby music helps me drift off. I’m going to aim to do some evening stretches or bedtime yoga and have a warm bubble bath before getting in bed, to help ease my tension from the day.

In terms of ‘productivity’ during lockdown, I feel there is so much pressure to try and be productive or do something productive. There’s a lot of pressure on social media of people ‘living their best lives’ baking a banana loaf, or icing cakes, or crocheting a jumper, or whatever it is. You scroll through instagram and someone is doing something. For people that don’t naturally have that ‘get up and go’ anyway, it can be quite difficult to see. I lack motivation in most things I do other than work. I love my job and could talk about Human Resources and Case Law alllll day. But If someone asked me if I wanted to bake a cake? No, I absolutely do not. I wanna lay in bed and watch disney’s thanks. I do appreciate that not everyone can just sit around and do nothing. Drew is like this, he has to be up and doing something, he can’t just lay in bed all day like me. Personally, I find this strange, if you could literally lay in bed all day and do n o t h i n g why on earth would anyone want to do anything other than that? But Drew will do the pots just so he’s keeping busy – don’t get me wrong, I appreciate it, I fucking hate doing the pots! So have I been productive during this time? No i’ve not. Although i’m still working full time, 5 days a week and I’ve just got confirmation of a completion date to buy my flat AND I did some cute as hell water colour drawings last week, and really enjoyed it – to say I can’t draw for shit. So productivity wise – i’d say i’m getting by.

Another thing I’m trying to do throughout this lockdown is stay in touch with my friends and family as much as possible. I always try to be grateful of all the things I do have in my life, and things that i’m looking forward to, but more so now. Perspective and mindset often changes a lot, things that you don’t always think can be changed. Sometimes you just have to approach something in a different way, or look at something in a different light.

In March, I had to make the most difficult decision i’ve ever made. It was a normal monday night after work, me and Drew heard Jasmine welp in pain from the bedroom, we quickly scurried through to the bedroom and saw her hiding under the bed, visibly in pain. We got her out from under the bed and her back legs seemed like she was dragging them. We initially thought she’d jumped too high and dislocated her leg, Jasmine was a flat cat, so she was always jumping up at hard to reach places. We rushed her to the emergency vets and the vet looked at Jasmine’s legs and listened to her heart – it was then that the news I was so unprepared for came. The vet told us in the kindest way, that Jasmine had a serious heart condition that caused her blood to clot, and there was no pulse in her back legs due to the forming of a blood clot. The vet went on to tell me how this was an incredibly serious condition and that although it was quite common in cats, it was very painful. The vet told me that she could take the pain away from baby j, but that she wouldn’t get better and that the kindest thing to do would be to let her sleep. Listening to baby j cry and meow and not being able to console her, was absolutely heartbreaking. So that night, we said goodnight to Jasmine, my cat of 12 years and it was honestly the hardest thing i’ve ever had to do. Jasmine had a personality that everyone loved, she was so small and loving, she loved to play and loved snugs and me and Drew loved every second we spent with her. I’ve never wanted children, it’s just not on the agenda for me. But this little kitty was my baby, my first love. Since the age of sixteen, we’ve grown together and been apart of each other’s lives. Baby J completed our family in a way I didn’t know was possible and I miss her tremendously.

Jasmine aka Baby J.

Nothing will ever prepare you for the loss of a loved one, animal or human. Animal’s fill your life in a way I cannot begin to comprehend. Due to this, me and Drew recently made the decision to bring another into our family. We should have a persian kitten in 5 weeks time. Although this kitty will never replace baby j, it will allow me to open my heart and love again. I’m looking forward to being a momma again.

I don’t really know what the point of this long winded post was, but I felt the urge to write, so I did. I’d love to hear about how you’re spending your lockdown 2020, and if there is anything positive you’re looking forward to.

Lots of Love, Lily. xox

3 thoughts on “Pondering through a Pandemic.

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